We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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