Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
smell my finger.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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