i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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