Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
