Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Randomize
