george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
