I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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