my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
