I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
