$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
