Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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