Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
