he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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