guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
