That's intense
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
