Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
