I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
