dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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