Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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