Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
