I am in a vortex of obligation.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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