What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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