YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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