ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
