1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
