3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
