Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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