He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
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