Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just had sex on a roof
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
