I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She even gives head with a lisp.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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