Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
