I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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