I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
