i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
