my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
