I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
