you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
