I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
