Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I wear drunk well.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
