Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
did i walk over a car last night?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
