If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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