Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
