i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
