So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
