So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
So squirting runs in the family.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
