Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
