I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
