There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
