My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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