Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
