dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
