Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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