In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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