I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i will never coherently bang her
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
