were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
