it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win