your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Who died my cat blue again?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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