what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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