Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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