Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
