A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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